Food Dropper
on Aug 23, 2009 in cheerios food dropper poop bath dogs children My dog knows that something is up. Lately she wears her anxiety on her paw. I'm not sure if she can smell it, or hear it, or taste it... but for a while now, some sixth sense has told her "Your days at the top of the family food chain are numbered.

Speeze
on Jul 24, 2009 in Speeze birkenstocks with socks speezing speezed Last week I was sick. Not like really sick, hurt the baby, sick. Just like cuh-cuh, achew! sick. No problem, I can go to work, right? Its just a little cough. So there I am, sporting my birkenstocks with socks, because I can, because I'm sick.

I am the lunch lady.
on Jul 15, 2009 in women's prison lunch lady sleeveless flowered shirt thigh arms I cannot remember phone numbers, new people’s names, or much that happened before 2006. However, I have a clear picture of my grammar school cafeteria. Long rows of industrial folding tables were flanked by that universal installation: The Lunch...

Talking Dogs
on Jul 6, 2009 in mama frittata dogs talking pets My prior parenting experience comes exclusively from the mothering of one small dog.A lot of you probably have dogs or (cringe) cats who you love very dearly. Maybe you’ve been together for a while now: 3 year, 5 years, 10 years. Surely at this...

Where to Raise My Child
on Jul 4, 2009 in facebook quizes the devil Los angeles raising children I keep saying that I don’t want to raise my kid in LA – bad values, bad air. But the question is… where then? I thought I’d consult with a professional, so I took a facebook quiz.Now, first I must explain that I am the kind of person who is...

Not a Bowel Movement
on Jul 3, 2009 in kicking bowel movement aliens

Naked Day
on Jun 29, 2009 in claustrophobia naked drippy boobs Now that I am pregnant, I think that we need a new national holiday for pregnant ladies. I'm not getting pregnant again anytime soon, so we'll need to be quick about lobbying President Obama for this change.Given that I'm starting to feel a bit clau...

Been busy gettin' fat
on Jun 23, 2009 in humanitarian pregnant lady implants boobs cup size silicone bosom As a purely humanitarian gesture, I'd like to see about giving away my boobs. Really. Now I know why they call them boobs. They are stupid.I have always had a fairly contentious relationship with my bosoms. On a normal day, they are a healthy cup...

resentment
on Jun 23, 2009 in extra olives drunk welfare for women with dependent children dirty martini I'm starting to resent the fact that I cannot drink. Sometimes shit happens and one drink just doesn't cut it. When my plane is canceled, I want the option to sit down at the trashy airport bar and get drunk.When I'm irrationally afraid of getting f...

incarceration
on May 10, 2009 in computers are evil I am not fat because I am pregnant. I am fat because I am poor. Here on my tropical vacation, I have discovered that if I lived a life of leisure, I would not be fat. Even though I would eat ice cream everyday, get my money’s worth at large buf...