Bear Patrol Latest Casualty of CA Budget Cuts
on Nov 2, 2009 in Entertainment Bear Patrol California Much Apu About Nothing Simpsons Springfield Yreka Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer: California state comptroller, Miles Duggerskull, broke the news that the Springfield Bear Patrol had been the latest casualty of the state budget crisis. “It’s with a heavy heart that I announce th...

Area Man Didn’t Really Lose Virginity at Canadian Summer Camp
on Oct 26, 2009 in Local, National & World News Canadian Summer Camp Losing Virginity Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr: Area resident Montgomery Wormwicker II came clean to his old high school buddies last week. “I finally came clean about my claim of losing my virginity at a Canadian summer camp between my freshman and sophomor...

Microsoft Releases Windows 7 With New and Improved Blue Screen of Death
on Oct 15, 2009 in Science & Technology Bill Gates Blue Screen of Death Microsoft Paperclip Office Assistant Windows 7 Excerpted from the Seattle Galosh Inquisitor: Freelance tech reporter Marco Wormwicker could hardly contain his excitement at the prospect of seeing a new and improved “blue screen of death” twice maybe three times a month. “It̵...

Colts Offensive Line to Peyton Manning: “Shut Up and Hike the Ball”
on Sep 25, 2009 in Sports Audible Indianapolis Colts NFL Peyton Manning Peyton Manning Audible Excerpted from the Indianapolis Herald Tribune: The Indianapolis offensive line has had enough of quarterback Peyton Manning’s shouting and pointing at the line of scrimmage. Ryan Diem, offensive tackle for the Colts, had this to say: “If...

Pete Rose Puts Fiver on His MLB Reinstatement
on Sep 18, 2009 in Sports 1970 MLB All-Star Game Charlie Hustle Cincinnati Reds Pete Rose Pete Rose Reinstatement Ray Fosse Excerpted from the Cincinnati Ledger Express: Grant Thimbleweed, an eyewitness, described the happening. “Well, we were at this memorabilia show where Rose was signing stuff and then this one random guy walks by and yells, ‘Hey, Rose.  Y...

Socks the Cat Accidentally Buried in “the Pet Cemetary”
on Sep 11, 2009 in Politics Pet Cemetary Socks the Cat Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch: A source close to the former President and First Lady, who wished to remain anonymous, said the two are devastated by the supernatural development. “They’re really wrecked.  Here they thought the po...

Socks the Cat Accidently Buried in “the Pet Cemetary”
on Sep 11, 2009 in Politics Pet Cemetary Socks the Cat Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch: A source close to the former President and First Lady, who wished to remain anonymous, said the two are devastated by the supernatural development. “They’re really wrecked.  Here they thought the po...

Geddy Lee’s Children Just Not That Into Rush
on Sep 4, 2009 in Entertainment Geddy Lee Rush Tom Sawyer Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer: An anonymous source close to Lee’s children noted that they didn’t listen to Rush very often. “It’s not that they think it’s bad… I guess, they just feel that there are better l...

Liz Cheney and Father Share Awkward High Five After ABC Appearance
on Aug 28, 2009 in Politics Dick Cheney Liz Cheney This Week with George Stephanopoulos torture Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch: Sources close to This Week with George Stephanopoulos say that the former vice-president watched the entire taping from the right side of the stage. “He just stood there, intently watching the segment his...

Rosenfels & Jackson Witnessed Throwing Skittles at Favre During Vikings’ Film Session
on Aug 21, 2009 in Sports Brett Favre Jawbreaker Kevin Rogers Minnesota Vikings Sage Rosenfels Skittles Tarvaris Jackson Excerpted from the St. Paul Sentinel: An anonymous source close to the team said both Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels were witnessed by coaches throwing skittles and other bite-sized candies at the back of Brett Favre’s head during the new...